Introspection

Unlike a lot of young girls, I suspect, I have never had body dysmorphia. That is, I have never been a girl or woman to look at my body and hate what I see. I have never been on a diet. I have never considered any type of plastic surgery. Sure, there are parts of me I would like to be tighter and more defined, but I have never gone out of my way to do anything about them. Until now, that is. But that isn’t what this journey to the stage is about.

I was unhealthy for many many years. I can’t say I am completely healthy now. Health and well-being is about body and mind. My mind certainly hasn’t always been clear and well. In turn, my spirit has often been at a low. I am not sure how else to explain it right now. I can I say I have been depressed. I suffered bouts of anxiety. I have had two nervous breakdowns. Stress took over and beat me down to exhaustion, to weakness, to illness. I went long periods of time without eating; my body shut down. I have been on the verge of anorexia, cried when I saw what was looking back at me in the mirror. At one time, I reached the point of wanting to give up on life.

Trace this back to insecurity. A little girl not feeling like she fit in anywhere, like she wasn’t liked or wanted, like she wasn’t good enough. So she worked harder, tried harder, strove harder to be strong and independent and worthy. At what cost. She pushed many away. She felt alone, was alone. She’s seen the world, but was never really a part of it.

That little girl lost is not gone. The demons who owned her are not long ago or buried away. She is still a reflection in the mirror every morning and every evening, in every move of the day.

But I embrace the little girl, hold her tight to me to keep her safe. And my demons I now own. I know that those insecurities are just thoughts, ideas, I myself put into my head years ago, and they have no power. So this time last year I decided to take control.

My health is now truly my number one concern-- in mind, body, spirit and soul. On this journey I have learned so much; about nutrition, exercise and simply just being good to one’s self. It has made me care about the health of others as well. Little girls and women in the grip of insecurity and fear, especially, I want to help become strong and healthy in all aspects of their life. But I know I cannot help until I am that model of strength and health myself.

So, I am on my way to do a bikini competition. A model of strength and health will I be standing up there half-naked in 4.5 inch heels? For me, absolutely. Putting myself out there to be judged- by choice- knowing that I finished what I started, feeling that I belong there because I worked hard to get there: that is empowering to me.