Me I Am

Reflecting back on my prep for my first show, I look fondly on happy days (for the most part). It was a year and a half of pursuing a goal, having focus, and reaping the benefits of all that went with that. Maybe for the first time in my life I had dedication and determination, drive. Set in a routine, I made the most of my time and got all things done. I had a clarity I'd never had before. Physically, I was in the best shape of my life. My skin, hair, nails were even healthy. I was happy. I was full of energy, full of life. I was positive and optimistic. I also walked with confidence everywhere I went. And I was open to all things good; I found love.

Looking in the mirror now I see a distorted reflection of what was. I refuse to blame myself with the "You let it all go"s. I did, but I was also hit with the greatest of losses, and I had no idea how I would be affected by it, that it would hit me so hard. I am often reminded how I am not the same, and it hurts. It feels like a harsh criticism, and I really don't need anyone else to tell me I don't have the same spunk that I did. I feel it-- every day. I see it-- every day. I know that I could be further athletically, personally, career-wise. But I am not. And I can only accept that. And move on.

So, if someone were to ask me now why I have chosen to train again, why I want to do another show, it would be easy to answer.

"Because I need to get back on that path that was leading me to a world of possibilities. Because I want to stand strong, be unwavering, take on all challenges with grace and gratitude. Because I want to be the me I was happy to be."